Reader Request: Food Processor Advice & Suggestions!

I derive satisfaction from the things I don’t have. More specifically, I like finding ways around my non-ownership of various small appliances – I enjoy thinking up alternate methods of accomplishing whatever said small appliance is meant to do. And, fine, I also enjoy feeling proud of myself for owning fewer things. My thought process when trying to MacGyver my way around the kitchen usually goes something like this:

Microwave? Pah! I can reheat everything in the oven. Double boiler? Pshaw! I can melt chocolate just fine by putting it in a small metal bowl and then floating that in a small pan of boiling water. Food processor? As if! My blender works just… fine… oh… nope… it’s cool if a creamy sauce is actually chunky, right?

…yeahhh. That one was definitely more of a MacGruber situation. So, after one too many failed attempts to use my blender as a food processor, I’m biting the proverbial bullet and buying one. It’ll be an early birthday present to myself – what else could a nearly-25-year-old possibly want for her quarter-century celebration?!

But here’s the thing. I don’t know which one to buy! So I need your help, you wonderful, knowledgeable kitchen goddesses and gods. Tell me what food processor you use and if you’d recommend it! Alternatively, tell me which processor you covet. I don’t mind spending a decent chunk o’ change, because this’ll be an investment with many delicious, delicious returns.

Thanks for your help! To demonstrate my gratitude, here’s a picture of Moria covered in Star Wars Legos:

Oh hey, I'm just sleepin' with the Falcon on top of me...