Hello! I am alive!
…which sounds dramatic and/or flippant, but given that my most recent post basically said, “We’re still in the middle of the pandemic, and also I HAVE CANCER,” it is, perhaps, a necessary clarification.
So, yes. I am alive. I am on the other side of two lumpectomy surgeries, one sentinel node biopsy, two mediport placements/removals (because the incision for one of them didn’t heal and I needed to get it replaced), four rounds of T/C chemo, 19 rounds of radiation, and countless blood draws/pokes/proddings/various scans. It sounds like a fucking lot when I list it out like that, and, well it was. It’s been a rough seven months since I last posted. But. I am alive.
I probably should’ve checked in here sooner, if only to tell y’all that I’ve been blogging my way through my ~cAnCeR jOuRnEy~ over here. I began that blog when I found out I’d need chemo, and it’s been immensely helpful—not only to keep all my family and friends updated from afar, but also to work my way through the complex and often overwhelming thoughts and emotions that come along with a cancer diagnosis.
It’s also become a surprisingly meaningful and evocative chronicle for me; I’ve tried to capture so much of the experience in sensory detail, because I don’t want to forget it. Which maybe sounds counterintuitive—so many people, upon hearing of my diagnosis, would react with something like the following: “My wish for you is that you’ll be able to finish treatment and move on and forget this ever happened.” To which I say: FAT FUCKING CHANCE. This is a huge, massive, unforgettable and ongoing part of my life. Breast cancer is a sneaky beast; even though I have done everything my doctors recommended to remove cancer cells from my body, there is never a guarantee that they’re all gone—which is why I’ll be on hormone therapy for 5-10 years to starve out any remaining microscopic disease that’s hanging out hidden somewhere. Even if I wanted to forget, the daily pills and monthly injections wouldn’t let me. And again… I don’t want to forget. I want to look back and read old posts and think, “Wow, you DID that. You did.”
Anyway. Between the writing I’ve been doing for blog #2 and the writing I do for work, I haven’t really felt like writing for this poor ol’ blog. Plus, this is nominally a food blog, and… I have been doing almost zero cooking. Steven does it all, Earth angel that he is. I didn’t have the energy to review the takeout we ordered during the height of the pandemic; chemo gave me weird food aversions; the list of reasons I didn’t/don’t feel like blogging here goes on. (I still can’t eat broccoli or homemade seitan, even two months post-chemo. I also cannot stand the smell of a certain style of freshly baked bread. Thinking about all three of those food items still makes me queasy. THANKS, CHEMO.)
Food blogging just doesn’t appeal to me the way it did once upon a time. I still read lots of food blogs, but I just don’t have the energy for it myself. So, realistically, it’s gonna stay quiet around here. But! I post on Instagram pretty frequently, and I’ll probably be writing over at the new blog every so often. Follow along there—I’d love to have you.
So, farewell for now. Wishing y’all safe, happy, and healthy months to come. :)